Boyfriend.

With 27 thousand reasons why it won't work, why do I still have that little glimmer that it will? Why are there so many stupid outside forces that happen to be so stupidly important? I'm trying to actually secure a reasonably mature relationship. I'm not acting like a stupid kid obsessed with her significant other and I'm keeping my head up, putting on a good face, trying to deal with things waaaay outside of my comfort zone. And, wha-hey, giving up sex. And all because I really believe and want things to work out. I have this totally optimistic and bright-eyed idea that after just a few months everything will settle and sort themselves out and I'm not at all used to such hope. I'm overwhelmingly excited about what's gonna come of it and have moments of choking on nerves. I forgot what a surge of emotions this sort of thing can bring. Fingers crossed.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for making me so stupidly happy and fuck you for giving me someone to sleep with at night again. Fuck you for making me hope that something could actually work out for me. Fuck you for somehow creeping past my pessimism and cynical view of everything. Fuck you for telling me I'm awesome and making my heart and head swell and then juxtaposing that with all the reasons why you don't like me, why you shouldn't, why you won't. Fuck you for somehow coming in and with one fell swoop destroying the self-confidence that I managed to have for myself and for the first time in years and years and years actually making me wish that I was different. Fuck you for being you and fuck me for falling back into the place of that stupid little girl clinging to something she knows won't work out, for trying to hold onto the guy with one foot already out the door, and for keeping the bed warm should he decide to grace her with his presence again and give her even a quarter of a chance.

And fuck you for snoring all night and keeping me up.

DragonCon.

Had a ridiculously good time this weekend. Got to get away from work, go to interesting panels about the impending apocalypse and Shadow People, eye Nathan Fillion from afar, lean on railings and judge people, and ogle cute boys in spandex. Could there -be- a recipe for a better weekend?

With friends like these...

I love that my friends are trying to convince me that I really really like the guy who has absolutely no interest in me. Awesome. At least they make me Lemon Drops.

Men.

I hate that moment of realisation when it dawns on you that the person you're talking to only cares about you when he doesn't have anything else in his life. You know, the kind of guy that dotes on you and is totally your BFF until something, anything better comes along. The kind of guy that you resolve to not get into a close friendship with, so you stop calling and stop texting because you fucking hate that moment of realisation. And then he'll call you. Or text you. Some random day when you're not ready for it, when you haven't had time to prepare. You're blindsided and find yourself laughing and chatting like nothing ever happened. And then, after a few days of this, you start calling him...until you're venting about something random and you hear that distant tone in his voice when he says 'hey...let me call you back in a minute, okay?'. And at first you think, sure, he'll call me back. You're confident. And then it doesn't happen. And it hits you again.

Who the hell needs a boyfriend to do this when my male friends fill my daily recommended dose?

Confessions.

I’d forgotten how god damn cathartic blogging can be. Speaking of ‘god damn’, though, I’m going to try taking a page from the Catholics and confessing trespasses I’ve made (at least all I can remember) and apologizing to people. I’ll actually name names here, so if you don’t want to know shit I may have said about you, I wouldn’t read any further. These are in no particular order.

 

Nicole- I’m sorry I’ve called you crazy, slutty, and a cheater. I’m sorry for the (no)thing with Jack. And I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Jack- I’m sorry I can’t like you that way. I’m sorry for leading you on. And I’m sorry for saying you kiss funny.

Raigh- I’m sorry for saying that you were kinda slutty, too. I’m sorry for saying you’re a flake and that you’re two-faced. I’m sorry for zipping away without a word of explanation as to why I did it. It wasn’t because you hurt me, believe it or not, but because I was afraid that you wouldn’t hesitate to do it again and it might hurt me next time.

Johnathan- I’m sorry I said you have problems.

Misc. guys that have come and gone- I’m sorry I likely called you creepy and probably gave you wrong phone numbers. I’m sorry I couldn’t be less shallow. I’m sorry I couldn’t like you for more than three days.

Beth- I’m sorry for saying that you’re annoying and slightly promiscuous. I’m sorry that I have a tendency to only befriend you when I need something.

Miles- I’m sorry for all those times that I called you a bad person. I’m sorry for all the shit that went down between us that made us hate each other.

Jerod- I’m sorry we made each other crazy.

Rykie- I’m sorry I called you overly feminist. I’m sorry that we’ve mostly lost touch. And I’m sorry that I conspired with your sister to ruin your life your senior year of high school. =P

Daniel- I’m sorry for that time frame after Amanda.

Jeska- I’m sorry I called you a tubby whore. I’m sorry we clashed so much as roommates.

Amber- I’m sorry I called you kinda flaky.

 

But you are. That’s enough for now; I was starting to feel like I was writing a suicide note or something. One last note: Just because I’m apologizing for these things doesn’t mean I take them back (for the most part) or that they won’t happen again. I never learn.

The Bet.

Whoever has sex first wins. It quickly became clear that it wasn’t gonna happen for either of us. So we did what we do best. Made it infinitely easier by changing it to ‘whoever gets a –kiss- first wins’ and made it slightly more insidious by adding the stipulation that the kissee can’t know that it’s for a bet. Only mildly heartless, right?

The sad thing? It’s been nearly a month now and neither of us are even close to winning. –sigh-